well I can't set my house on fire every night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
