I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
