So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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