I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
