You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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