Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
