I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
