You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
