I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
