he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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