I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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