Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
