I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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