My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize