32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
