the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
