Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
