Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
