wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I need to calm my uterus...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
