party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize