I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
