id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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