toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i think i just lost a toe
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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