I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
