her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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