I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
