thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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