the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
