i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
