Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
