Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize