I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
