is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize