she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
