My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
