Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
