Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
