I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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