Already got asked if we're dating
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
