I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
