Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just high enough for therapy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
