Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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