non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize