When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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