Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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