You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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