when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
