the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
