I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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