so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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