Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
