Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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