literally had 100 drinks last night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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