whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
