There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
