Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
