I need to stop coming to work sober
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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