Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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