in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
