Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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