Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
