there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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