my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
