I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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