so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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