I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
