My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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